Poetic Petitions

I broke up with Weight Watchers a few weeks ago. It had been six long months with only a few pounds lost. I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth my time or money. But I do know people who have had success with WW and more power to them. I’ve done Weight Watchers half a dozen times in my life and every time I only lose about 15-20 pounds and then I just get sick of the lifestyle and move on to a new diet.

I’ve also stopped weighing myself every day. Weighing in daily usually led to a grey cloud over my head and the voice of Eeyore saying things like”whoa is me” and “I’ll never lose weight.” I was setting myself up for failure instead of success.

I’m learning how to eat less, with more joy. Portion size has always been an issue with me. I sometimes eat enough at one meal that could actually be spread out to be enough for three meals. It’s like my stomach is a bottomless pit. Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it so eating less takes a lot of mental energy. I’m trying to have a more intuitive approach, like actually eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I feel full. I know, I know, it’s so simple and basic — but for me — a stress/emotional eater, it’s something I really have to work at. But I am doing this type of eating as opposed to starting a new diet. I can’t bring myself to try another one!

Although people have told me to cut out gluten or trying juicing every day or watch carbs or don’t eat meat or avoid dairy. The list goes on, and on. And while I am open to making some changes for health reasons, I’m not going to completely alter my diet in the name of losing a few quick pounds. Because you know what happens? I lose a few quick pounds and then gain back MORE. It’s insanity.

A question popped in my head this afternoon: Would God love me more if I was thin? And I remembered 1 Samuel 16:7 which says, “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Hallelujah! God isn’t watching my calories or noting what size of clothes I wear. He looks at my heart. I love that about my God.

Who cares what people think? Thankfully I’ve never dealt with much bullying when it comes to my weight. But I have quite a few people in my inner circle who deal with their own dieting issues and I can get drawn in. These days I’m just tuning out any talk of diets. It’s delightful.

While I feel like I’ve made some progress in the past few weeks with my eating, my attitude toward exercise is still crappy. I have plenty of ideas of how to exercise, I just haven’t been doing it. In the past I’ve gotten addicted to working out and I’d like to recreate that.

More important than how I look, is how my heart looks to God. I will never find perfection on this earth but I experience glorious redemption. My hope is that as I continue to shrug off old diet mentalities and put on the Lord I will continue to grow in Him. Diets and exercise plans took up way to much space in my head and heart. I want to reclaim that space for my Savior. Who does, in fact, love me at any size.

And I can just hear God say, “Let her eat cake!” 

Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

So w

It is a wonderfully provocative and deeply spiritual experience

to deliberately turn your back on a problem in order to face God in exaltation.

Lift your eyes and exult in Him. The situation may not have changed

but you have become different. What we behold, we become.

- Graham Cooke

When I first read this quote last Saturday night I immediately thought of my battle with my fluctuating waistline. I thought, “Yes! I want to turn my back on this problem so I can face God in exaltation. Sign me up!”

Then I remembered Galatians 5:1, which says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

I’ve been a slave to food. Both when I felt pride over making really healthy food choices and also when I felt disgusted with myself for eating something “bad” or eating too much.

How would it look to be set free from my dysfunctional relationship with food and my body?

The first place I started was hiding my scale. It has power over me if there’s a weight gain OR a loss. Too much power over my emotions and thoughts. I’ve never been able to weigh myself objectively. Can anyone? And how important is that number to the quality of my life, to the quality to my relationship with God?

Secondly, I decided to not count any points/calories.Often times I find myself obsessing over this. Counting can dictate whether or not I have a good or bad day. I’ve been in tears before after going over my points in Weight Watchers. Do you see what I see? Too much power being lent to something that has no heavenly purpose. Will any of us be counting our calories in heaven? No, but will be facing God in exaltation, like the quote above says.

I also I decided not to speak of weight loss or of being fat, except for these blogs. I hate conversations that end up talking about the latest diet craze. I mostly hate them because it usually ends up with me buying into it and ordering something off of Amazon.com. Take for example, the chia seeds and goji berries that sit unused in my cupboards. Every time I open my cupboard I feel guilty for not using them and I feel like I’m failing some test that in reality, no one is giving me. I’m not saying that swapping recipes or trying new things is bad for everyone, but if you are anything like me it makes you feel a little crazy. I want off of the carousel.

Finally, and probably the most difficult for me, is to not think about weight loss, weight gain, being fat, not having the perfect body, or comparing myself to other people.  This is where Matthew 6:25-27 come into play. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

No doubt God put that verse in Scripture with me in mind. With today’s world in mind. Satan is using the distraction of diets and weight loss or even weight gain for some, to confuse us and take over our thoughts. He wants us to miss out on the blessing of not worrying about our bodies. He wants us to be consumed with every morsel of food that  goes in our body because you know what happens when we act like that? We lose our focus on Jesus. I don’t have extra time during the day to praise Him. I’m too busy fussing about my jeans being too tight or how to cook a paelo dinner.

Jesus wasn’t kidding when he told us to not worry about what we eat or drink or about our body. From His point of view it must look so sad, that so many people  are slaves to food. Now, don’t get bent out of shape, I’m not advocating for anyone to stop eating healthy or working out. Those are great things, but I’m addressing those of us who are trapped in Satan’s lies and the world’s standards that we must be thin to be of value. That the latest diet craze is going to be ”the one” that solves all of our problems. Remember the verse in 1 Samuel that says that “People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” If God doesn’t care about our outward appearance, why do I? It’s vastly more important to Him that our minds are clear and focused on Him and His Word. And yet I struggle to go 10 minutes without thinking about diets or food or my body.

This life is so much more than a fad diet. But I learned as a young girl that behaving well on a diet got me love from my mother. She had the best of intentions, no doubt, but it was deeply ingrained in my heart that unless you had ultimate health, or an ultimate body, you were not good enough. Once, when I was about 7, she measured my thighs in order to track any weight loss. While I was certainly a few pounds overweight I was not obese. I wanted to perform for my mother. I wanted that special attention I got when I did good on a diet. When I was older my parents tried to pay me to lose weight. It only made my rebellious side come out more and I started to gain. It’s too long ago to hold a grudge, at least outwardly. Inwardly I look back of some of the things that happened in my childhood and think “No wonder I have a problem with food. It was instilled in me at a young age.”

But what can I say about the weight that I’ve gained as an adult? No one shoved food down my throat. I remember a few years ago when I was living in Oregon and things were going downhill for me in general but most specifically with Andy. There were days that I would buy pieces of cake from the grocery store, along with some candy bars, and eat them in the car on the way home, telling no one. I guess it was comfort food. But also I was eating out of fear and anxiety. I wasn’t following Jesus at that point and was feeling very alone. Food was my best friend and worst enemy. I loved it, I hated it.

These days I have been trying my luck Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 18 pounds. Before you congratulate me, know that while modifying my food intake works for awhile, eventually I slip back into old habits of just eating whatever I want, whenever I want — especially when I’m sad, happy, angry, anxious, you get the idea. But the Lord has really been challenging me to look at weight loss from His perspective. Especially that I would spend more time with Him instead of thinking about and talking about diets and weight loss.

So far hiding the scale, not talking about diets or thinking about them, and avoiding counting points/calories has gone really well. (It’s been less than 48 hours) I was shocked initially by how often I thought about it. But I tried, and was mostly successful, to squelch those thoughts quickly and I’d think about God instead. I obviously couldn’t do it without God and the Holy Spirit’s intervention. I feel the need to bulk up in my prayer and Bible study because I know that Satan isn’t going to release his grip on this part of my life easily.

This is the second installment of a series called Let Her Eat Cake. The first installment can be found here.

Somewhere along the road I adopted the belief that God didn’t love me as much as He loved thin people. I felt that my extra pounds kept me at a distance from Him. That I wasn’t keeping my “temple” pure enough or my reliance on food for emotional support held me back from experiencing God’s presence and put me in the glutton category. After all, the Bible says in Philippians, “Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.” My belly has become my god, in the sense that I think about counting calories all of the time, I judge myself when I eat too much, I give myself no mercy, I use food to help me when I’m emotional.

—-> Percentage of dieters who regain the weight within three years: 90%. Percentage of Americans who believe in miracles: 70%.

I’ve been asking God about all of this. Will I ever lose the weight? Does the damage that diets have on my spirit and body really make sense spiritually? Is He up there in heaven keeping track of my weight? I like Matthew 6:25 which says, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” I’m embarrassed to say that my life has revolved around food and my body more than it has around God. It’s pretty evident now that the Devil has been messing with my mind and heart.  He knows exactly where to pin me down and fill me with lies.

Christ died for my sins, and because God is present-future He has already dealt with my sins and has moved on. Why can’t I move on? I used to want to be a size 2 with a killer body. Then I figured I could settle for a size 14 so I could shop in “normal” stores. And now? I would just like to be able to fit comfortably in a airplane seat.

God has done some miracles in my thinking. But this fat issue runs deep. And I get the impression that the only way I will be free of this is if I let God teach me how to love myself at any size — at the size I am now. To appreciate my body as it is today, before I daydream about how it will look tomorrow. I’ve asked God for healing. I’ve begged. Every time I start Weight Watchers or Thin Within I think “this will be the time.” But no. If I’m going to be really honest I should confess that at different points in time I’ve doubted God’s ability to help me overcome this. I’m growing stronger. I am changing. I am believing. I’ve been able to give up fast food and diet soda. But most of the time it feels like I’m cursed.

I read a book last year called Fat?So!  It gave me hope that a person can be fat and still be in good health and lead a happy life. I am in great health, as it stands. But I abuse food. Sometimes I binge, every now and again I find myself throwing up, and other times where I restrict. So I’m asking for a miracle. I’m not asking for earthly advice at this point, I am asking you, God, to renew my mind and give me self-control. Not so I can be skinny but so we can grow closer together in our love. So that I won’t be bound to this obsession with dieting, so I can be proud of who You created me to be.

This is the first installment in a series called Let Her Eat Cake.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” –Erma Bombeck

I have a confession to make. I’ve been going to Starbucks 3-4 times a week instead of 1-2. Here’s why. I now drink a Venti Iced Coffee w/ Vanilla w/ Non-Fat Milk instead of a Venti Iced Nonfat Vanilla Latte. The new drink is $2 cheaper (one of the baristas clued me in a few months ago) and I guess in my silly brain a cheaper drink has given me permission to go more often. But really I’m shelling out the same or more amount of money.

But get this: I LOATHE going into the two closest Starbucks. They are always packed with long lines and no parking spaces. I am not a fan of crowds, and Starbucks is the one exception I make. I have to give myself a pep talk just to get in the building. And now I’m going more often? WHY.

Well, the other thing that has me going, besides that I love coffee drinks, is that I’m building up my collection of virtual “stars”. Do you have the app? Basically I’m trying to beef up my numbers (I get one star per one purchase) so I can get more coupons and deals from Starbucks. I’ve fallen victim to their marketing scheme. I think I’m finally up to the point to where I get a gold card. Oh happy day! Then what? Oh, collecting more dang stars.

I can’t afford to spend nearly $48 a month on coffee, and this month, that’s what it’s headed toward. I just can’t do it. And I hate going into the stores. And I’m losing my fascination with the stars. So it only makes sense that I cut back. Far back. Like one visit every week or two. And though I hate the thought, I’m going to dust off my coffee maker and make my own iced vanilla coffees. Or maybe for the summer I’ll make myself iced tea. I love that too. Maybe for Christmas someone will buy me a Keurig.

Besides spending money at Starbucks, I’ve also been buying a lot of bottled carbonated water. And I’m planning on making an investment with a SodaStream  purchase next month. I will be able to make my own carbonated water at home. I spend an average of $40 a month right now on Perrier water. I know! It’s a lot! Trust me I would be spending a lot more if money was no object, I’m in love with carbonated water. I’m also in love with how much better for the environment it will be to use the Soda Stream. I use approximately 60 bottles a month.The SodaStream comes with reusable bottles.

The only down side, if there is one, is that I will have to trade out the carbonator at a local store like Kohl’s or Bed, Bath & Beyond once a month or two (probably). I think they cost $15. Let’s say I had to do that once a month, I’d still be saving around $30 after my initial investment of $80. I guess I could try to drink less carbonated water, but I think it would be a slippery slope back to Diet Coke and I’m pretty adamant about not going there. Plus, I’m drinking WATER OBSESSIVELY which is a good thing. I’ve had much worse habits (see: Diet Coke & cigarettes)

So what’s in your glass the most these days? Soda? Coffee? Water? Beer?

Meditation. Totally uncool experience for me. Repeatedly: I’m sitting with my legs crossed in front of me, chanting “oommmmm” while I’m really thinking about nachos or whether or not I remembered to close the garage door. Not exactly a peaceful experience and not helpful in all the ways that traditional meditation is supposed to work. I’ve actually tried that a few times but I was just waiting for the 20 minutes to be up so I could do something else.

Well, a few weeks ago, my new friend at church said I should read this manual on meditation. It’s full title is, “Deepening Prophetic Revelation through Meditation,” by Kirk Bennett. BOOM! I was instantly turned off and a little afraid. Prophetic revelation?? I wanted to say “thanks but no thanks” to my friend’s offer. I thought it was the same old meditation I tried over the years with a Jesus spin on it. I decided to at least read it so as not to hurt Nicole’s feelings.

It took me about a half hour to get through it and I was suddenly very excited about the possibility of meditation. First, I liked finding that there were practical (make sure you have access to a restroom and a glass of water or juice) to really insightful ideas that I’d never really heard before  – like reasons we should meditate (God commands the repetition of His words and acts because they reveal more of who He is).
I was so relieved that I wouldn’t have to try and think about nothing. Instead, I’d zero in a specific verse and think about it, pray, draw, sing, worship, dance, talk to God, laugh, and cry. At least that’s what has resulted the handful of times I’ve tried it.

I am now officially in love with the process of meditating on God’s Word. Who knew??! In the guideline the author recommends on a sheet of paper (I have a notebook dedicated to this) to have a column for revelations – which I haven’t had any really dramatic ones so it’s mainly my thoughts but I am hoping for revelations in the future. Then a column for tasks – like when you think of something to get at the store and you can’t stop thinking about it – you just write GET MILK in the task column and you can move on. Then there’s a space for pursuits and I use that for things I want to google later about the topic of the verse, or definitions of words to look up – basically what you want to research after you’re done meditating on the verse. Or other topics you want to cover next, that kind of thing.

I wish I would have learned about this kind of meditation years ago. Although, years ago I wasn’t ready for it. So that makes sense that I’ve just crossed paths with God in a new way. He is so rad!

Another tip that Bennett shares is to close your Bible once you’ve written out your verse. I believe his theory behind this is that sometimes it’s easy to get distracted and want to rush over to new verses. But the point is really to take one verse – even one phrase in a verse and meditate on it’s truth.

Tonight, for example, I just googled “healing verses” and came across one I have never studied before. Psalm 103:3-5 (The Message version) – here it is:

He forgives your sins—every one.
He heals your diseases—every one.
He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

Wow did that passage take me on a trip tonight! Can I get an AMEN! I was overwhelmed by it and frankly I still am. There was a point where I just kept repeating – loudly – and CLAIMING the phrase: “He heals my diseases – every one” and then I would list the diseases I have been diagnosed with that I’m now open to true healing. It was powerful. And I want more. I want more of God, I want more time meditating. Praise the Lord!

To be continued…

P.S. You can purchase the manual here. It’s only $9 and there’s lots of good info in it that I didn’t explain in this post.

For the last 4 times or so when I’ve met with my psychiatrist, he’s asked me: “What are you doing for fun?” Not, where are you working, or have you been taking your medications, or anything of the sort. Just, “What are you doing for fun?”

You’d think by now that I’d have a pat answer for him but it continues to take me off-guard. Yesterday I saw him, and he asked me again about fun. I told him about decorating my apartment, but I couldn’t think of much else which really disappointed me. I’m always a little flustered and absent-minded around him. We have 15 minutes together to cover a month or two of my reporting what’s going on and checking my medications and if we need to change anything, if I need refills, all of that tacks on a bit of time and I worry I will forget something.

Yesterday I was driving home and wondering to myself why my psychiatrist checks on whether or not I’m having fun. If I think of it, I will ask him the next time I see him. Which is in two months. He must ask all of his patients this question, and he has singled it out from the many others he could ask. I do usually come into his office in a whirlwind, trying to share pertinent information like how I’ve recently lost 12 pounds, I haven’t had any signs of depression or mania in 3-4 months, I am in a safe and happy environment. All things he wants to know, I’m sure, but he also wants to know about fun. I kind of feel like Bob in the film What About Bob? when his psychiatrist Dr. Marvin gives him a doctor’s note that said Take a Vacation from My Problems. And then he is cured. One of my main issues with fun is that I don’t have a lot of spending money. And what I do have goes to pay bills and tithe and decorate my apartment. But I’m kind of sick of decorating my apartment so that frees up a little cash.
Another issue is that I don’t have a lot of friends here in Lynchburg. No one I could really call up last minute to get coffee. Well, maybe I could, I haven’t really tried. Since breaking up with Doug I don’t have a movie buddy either. I am sad that Jamie moved back to San Diego because I miss her friendship dearly but I’m happy that she is happy there. I guess I could try to have fun with my family. They all live within three hours of me but I see them maybe once every other month and it’s usually for a big gathering like Christmas or Easter. I might have to make new friends, which I loathe doing. The people at the church I’ve been attending lately seem really nice but I haven’t met anyone there yet. There’s only about 70 in the congregation so eventually I’m bound to meet someone.
So far there’s the money issue – I have a small “Fun” budget. And there’s a lack of local people with whom to have fun with. Don’t get me wrong I have a few friends here, but mostly they are busy and right now I have time to kill. Another issue with fun is that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like having fun. At times I’ve been too depressed and anxious to take a shower let alone go out and try to smile, or God forbid LAUGH. But that time has passed, so it’s no longer an excuse. I want to smile and laugh. I want to have fun.I want to have fun! 
That seems like a step in the right direction. But now it’s time to follow through. Maybe a road trip is in order to visit my brother and his family up north. Or I could go to DC for the cherry blossom festival next month. I’d love to see the ocean, of course. Perhaps I will reach out to local friends (I don’t know why I make that so difficult sometimes) and go to a movie or out to coffee. I am thinking about planting a small garden, so that could be fun. And it helps that my fun months are coming up: spring, summer, and fall are my favorite seasons. Maybe I will join book club. Or a writing club. Perhaps I’ll take up golf! Maybe I will learn how to cook and bake new dishes – I think that’s fun. I almost want to say that exercise is fun, and with Zumba it’s really close, but not quite in the fun category.

I feel better now, knowing of a few ideas for fun the next few months. My doctor will be proud when I rattle off my list of fun things I did. And really it’s been so long since I’ve felt up to trying to have fun, that I don’t think I can fail at this experiment. Don’t let me mislead you, I’ve had fun lately. But not really on purpose. Not like this. I am going out of my way to have a great time. I’ll be ready the next time my doctor asks me, “What have you been doing for fun?”